Don't say No!

As a mother of a 20-month-old toddler, I'm now surrounded by many other mothers of little ones. Every time we meet, it's impossible not to talk about our mothering roles, ideas, theories, questions, and solutions. A few weeks ago, I heard the following comment from one of these moms and many thoughts and reflections arouse from it. This mom, who has a 9-month-old baby, said: "we are not going to teach our daughter the word 'no'". She then continued, "It's just so annoying when they start saying 'no' for everything, and will even say 'no' to the food we offer them".

My daughter, Sophia, is exactly on the 'no' phase! She will say no to the outfit I pick, to the food I offer, to the kiss I give on her cheek, to the toy I offer, to any question I ask, it's just too funny (and annoying, sometimes). When I heard this mom's comment, for a few seconds, I pictured this perfect world where Sophia would never say 'no' and agree to everything I did… How easy would my life be... But then, I woke up from this brief 2-second-dream and realized how important it is for our kids' development to be able to say 'no'.

When a toddler says 'no', first of all they are affirming themselves and building their identity as an individual. They are also learning that they can have a saying in the world, that they have an opinion, and that they can make a difference. They are learning that their actions are independent from ours (they are cutting the umbilical cord) and that, depending on what they say, we will react one way or another. They are learning that they can interfere in the way things are and provoke reactions. It is a wonderful thing and a very important step in their development. Otherwise, they will remain being babies that do what we want them to do. Saying 'no' is one of the steps towards becoming a responsible citizen later on.

Remember, when a toddler says 'no', they are also learning to make decisions, to express themselves, and to be assertive. It's such a great skill for life! Do you want your kid to grow as an adult incapable for speaking for themselves and, therefore, agreeing to everything friends and strangers tell them to do?

For this reason, it is very important for us to respect their saying and respect their 'no'. They need to learn that 'no' can have a positive or negative impact. We should be authentic with our reactions, showing a slight frustration (if we feel that way), for instance, so that they can learn that saying 'no' influences our behaviors and/or feelings. If possible, we should change our behaviors and accept the 'no' so that they can understand the real meaning of the word 'no'. They should learn that 'no' is different from 'yes'. With time, they will learn to choose the word that fits their needs. At first, they only say 'no'!

Of course, because of their level of maturity (toddlers are still very young to know concept of things and to differ right from wrong), when they say 'no' it doesn't mean that we should always do what our toddler wishes. We must be wise to respect them and accept their opinion, but we should be the adult who knows what is best for them and has the final saying. For example, the toddlers says 'no' to the healthy food you offered and points asking for the cake. You respect his opinion by saying: "You don't want to eat this now, you want to eat the cake. You prefer the cake. I know.". But then you say: "In this house there's a rule, we must first eat our dinner and then we can have dessert, even if we prefer the dessert. Let's make a deal, I'll cut your piece of cake and keep it here near the sink until you finish your food. Once you are done with your meal, you can have the cake." (It's not as simple as it seems here, but let's leave it this way. We can talk about meal time in a future posting.)

Another way to respect the child's opinion is to give options. For instance, you can take out a few different outfits and let them pick. They will enjoy saying 'no' and being the one who makes the decision. In situations where you can respect your toddlers opinion, please, do so. If they say 'no' to a toy, for instance, don't insist. Respect them. Be wise and make your judgment. Sometimes it's worth listening to your toddler, sometimes it's not. But just remember, be proud of your toddler, the fact that they are saying 'no' (even if they are annoying us) is a great step in their developmental process.

Now, every time my 20-month-old Sophia says 'no', deep in side, I smile and think: how nice it is that she's affirming her own identity; how great it is to see that she knows she has a saying in this world and she can speak up for herself; how good it is to see her growing to be independent;  how wonderful it is to see that she feels secure and fearless to express herself and go after the things she wants. She will be a strong independent person. :)

Thanks for reading!

Next posting, I will talk about the importance of us (parents, educators, and caregivers) saying 'NO' to our little ones! Until then, please, post comments, opinions, suggestions, and questions. Share your thoughts!

See you later,
Beatriz

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