Setting boundaries

Last weekend, on a beautiful Saturday morning, Sophia asked to watch Elmo on my iPad. It wasn't the time for that. We were finishing getting ready to head out the door and play outside. I had to say "no". Sophia heard the two-letter word as if I had said the most horrible thing ever. She immediately bended her head down (as if receiving a very very sad news) and then expressed the most frustrated face, followed by a winning scream of "Aaaaaawww!!!! Nhanahan... Elmo!!!!". If she could talk, she would have said: "I want Elmo!!".

Sophia is only 20 months old and she was not pretending to be disappointed. She was, in fact, very sad and frustrated with the news she got. I had said "no" to one of the things she loves the most. Real tears were coming down on her beautiful face and she was begging me for Elmo's video on the iPad. Not only is sad to see her frustrated, but it is also painful to my ears to hear her screams and shouts. Above all, it was heart broken to see my baby so frustrated...

For the first few seconds, the thought of saying "yes" immediately crossed my mind. With a simple Elmo video, I could make Sophia happy and all the screaming and crying would stop immediately. My precious baby would be peaceful and smiley again. I love her and I want her to be always happy. Because I love her so much, I should never have to allow her to feel frustrated or sad, right? … Wrong!!

In fact, those 2 minutes of sadness and frustration of not seeing Elmo were extremely important for Sophia's emotional development and maturational growth. She learned that the world does not revolve around her, she learned that things will not always be the way she wants them to be, she learned that there are different moments for different things, she learned about schedule, she learned that people can disagree from her and that's ok, she learned that people she loves may say "no" to her, she learned that she needs to cope with sad feelings, she learned that she can switch her goals to other things when her initial plan doesn't work out, she learned that life is not perfect, she learned that she does not need "Elmo" (or whatever) to be entertained (there are other options), she learned how to overcome frustration, etc, etc, etc.

Of course, Sophia is only 20 months old. She's not cognitively or emotionally mature enough to be aware of any of that or even understand what was going on. She was sad and frustrated. She wanted Elmo and she did not understand why she couldn't watch the video. She needed her mommy to help her cope with her feelings. She needed some love. What she did not need, was me to undo what I had said. In life, we don't have magic wands to magically fix things or make things undo. Sophia needed help coping with the frustration and moving on. So I hugged her and said: "I know, Sophia. You want Elmo. But now is not time for Elmo. It's beautiful outside and we are going to play outside. It will be fun! We can watch Elmo before bedtime at night." She kept crying... She's not in the same cognitive level as I am, so I can't expect her to understand everything. But also, we shouldn't under-estimate our children. We should talk to them and explain things clearly. I then continued by distracting her with something else. "Let's pick out a jacket for you to wear. Look! What a beautiful jacket you have! Will you go down the slide at the park today? Do you want to bring your bunny with you?" Soon, Sophia was smiling and was very excited about going to the park. She completely forgot about Elmo.

Children are children. They don't need much. Frustration comes and causes great impact on them (very normal), but soon they move on. With patience, we can distract them with something else and they will forget about the "Elmo" or toy they wanted two minutes ago. But we need to be patient and calm - yet firm. Don't change the rules just because they cried. Don't give up. Don't let them be the boss. Don't allow them to manipulate you. Don't protect them from important life lessons. Don't keep them from having the opportunity of learning how to cope with frustration, sadness, or other feelings. In order to help them grow into a healthy, happy, stable, well-centered, and mature personality, children need boundaries.

Next time Sophia hears a "no", she may still cry; but with time, she will slowly learn that receiving "no" is not the end of the world. Other times, Sophia may have a worse reaction and I may need to gently and firmly send her to "time-out". That's ok. When it happens, I confess that it may initially break my heart, but I will know I'm doing the right thing. By setting boundaries and being firm, we are teaching our little ones a precious lesson in life. Rules are made to be obeyed. Every action comes with a consequence. After the frustration of time out, life moves on and they will be happy again. And, hopefully, a little more mature.

At last, I must end this posting saying that children feel love through the boundaries they receive. Because the world is so big, unknown, and unpredictable to them (they are so small and fragile); when they know that someone is in charge and making decisions for them, they unconsciously feel safe, protected, and loved. The source of children anxiety many times is related to the lack of routine, boundaries, and rules. Play with your child, laugh with them, be flexible sometimes, be silly on a Sunday morning, tickle them, but also be gently firm with the rules and routine of the house. Don't be afraid to say "no", don't be afraid to frustrate them. Show them you are in charge of them - that you are protecting them and taking care of them. Show them you love them.

Have a wonderful week!!!

Post your comments or questions about setting boundaries, saying "no", following rules, using "time-out", etc.

Beatriz