Sometimes, when parents are mad or frustrated about something their child did, it's easy for them to punish their child by saying: "I'm not happy with that. That was wrong! (etc…) Go to your room and do your homework!" Or when siblings are fighting, parents may interrupt the playtime and say: "Ok, enough fighting! Go clean your room now!" or "Go calm down and do your homework!". I've seen teenagers share that they've been grounded for doing something wrong - and their punishment was to stay home and do their homework(!).
Parents don't realize this, but without being aware of it, they are associating homework or house chores with punishment, bad behaviors, and unpleasant feelings. Homework is not a punishment! Homework is not something bad. Doing homework, cleaning the room, and helping with the dishes are normal routine activities that are part of our children's life. Children don't do homework (or house chores) because they did something wrong or because they misbehaved; they do it because they have to (no matter what). It's their responsibility. These are important activities with great benefits. It's actually a privilege to go to school, learn, and do homework. Being part of a family and helping out at home are also wonderful privileges. They may be boring and tiring activities sometimes, but they have a special purpose and they can be fun. We need to teach our children to feel good and happy about helping at home and being responsible students; rather then associating responsibility and tasks with punishment or unpleasant feelings.
I don't think that any parent would ever want to intentionally associate homework with punishment. We may do it without noticing. So, here's a tip of advice to help us become more aware of our words and tone of voice when we try to educate our children. If we need to punish them for a bad behavior, we can ask them to go to their room and stay quiet for a few minutes (time out); or we can give them an extra task in the house (not the ones that are already part of their responsibility); or take out a privilege (no TV for a week, for instance), etc. This way, we can preserve homework time for normal and peaceful part of their routine. We want them to actually enjoy doing homework or at least have a peaceful relationship with their homework and duties.
With Sophia, my 20-month-old daughter, I also try to be very aware of this. I don't want to punish her from being a healthy toddler and doing a mess. I don't want to associate "clean-up time" with "mad mommy" or "bad Sophia". But I do want to teach her to be responsible, obedient, and follow the house rules. So, when I notice the playroom is way too messy (even if I'm tired and frustrated with the mess), I just say it in a peaceful and playful way: "What a mess! Now, let's play the clean-up game! Let's put the toys away. We need to keep our house clean and beautiful." And she does it with a nice big smile. Cleaning up became a game for Sophia, a normal part of her routine - and she loves doing it!
I just hope my daughter will grow into having the same attitude towards homework one day! If I need to punish her, I'll make sure the word 'homework' is not mentioned!
Ok, now I need to go and focus on my own homework! :) It was nice sharing this posting with you all! See you later!!
Beatriz
P.S.: If possible, please share some tips and advice of how to "punish" a child from about 2 to 4 years old. I haven't figured out what method I'll be using yet. Thanks!
Again, a very good point: never make homework a punishment. What to think about punishment to kids that don't do their homework?
ReplyDeleteMy parents made homework a responsibility. School was our job during the year (I was fortunate enough to not have to hold a job during high school) and part of that job is doing your homework. Also, since my parents until college viewed every single grade, there was no hiding it. I learned from a very early age to get it done in a timely matter or I would have to do it in front of my parents and be able to do nothing else until it was done.
ReplyDeleteAbout punishing for not doing homework, that needs to be a case by case basis. I am not a parent yet so I will not go into details.
Thanks for sharing, Michael! I agree with the way your parents dealt with homework. I believe doing homework and going to school is definitely the child's responsibility. I also believe there should be no prizes or punishments related to grades or homework. The benefits are the learning outcome itself and the good grades; the consequences are the bad grades and the embarrassment. We need to work on the child's intrinsic motivation to want to have good grades, rather than focusing on external prizes/punishments. However, since I'm not a parent of a school-age kid either, I don't really know how I will procedure in case I have a child with bad grades… Like you said, it is a case by case situation… :)
ReplyDeleteDad (Armando Lima), I really don't recall you ever punishing us for bad grades… I just remember working as hard as I could so I could be proud of myself and you guys could be proud of me… I remember being very embarrassed with a low grade I got in History class one day. You guys never said a word. The grade spoke for itself. I worked hard the next exam, and got an A. Intrinsic motivation! It works! Thank you!!
ReplyDelete