Same book again??

Before I became a psychologist and before I came to understand the nuances and particularities of the development of the child, I used to babysit a 3-year-old little girl who would always ask me to read the same book over and over again. "Same book again??", I would ask her with a stretched intonation hopping she would change her mind. She never did. So I read the same book again. I didn't understand… She had a huge pile of interesting, fun, and colorful books. Why would she only want me to read that some old one everyday? She already new the story by heart - she could probably "read" it to herself with her eyes closed!

I wonder if you have already dealt (or is dealing) with something similar with your little one. I'm starting to notice it with my daughter now, who only wants to watch the "Elmo" video, read the "Mama Red Pajama" book, and sing the "Bumble Bee" song. It's so funny! And so typical at this age! Young children tend to like the same stories, the same food, the same videos, the same clothes, the same toys...

Fortunately, now I understand why and would love to share a little bit about it with you here today. Understanding the reason behind our kiddos' behaviors sometimes helps us be more patient - especially when listening to the same song over and over again during a long car trip…

And the reason is very simple: kids like the same stories (or songs, or routines) because they like what is predictable - it releases the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen. While you are reading them a familiar story, they feel safe and with a sense of control of the situation, since they know what is coming next. It's a short moment where they don't need to worry about being surprised by the unknown.

We are not aware of how unpredictable the world is for our little munchkins. Even having routine and consistency in their daily schedule, they are still surprised by new things all the time, such as the visit (or departure) of a family member or friend; a trip to a new place; the arrival of the holidays; the loss of a toy or a pet; having new food on the table; the change of schedule; the arrival of a newborn sibling; moving to a new house or even to a new bed; or saying "bye-bye" to the pacifier. You know, our little ones don't have a calendar and don't understand long-term schedules. Not even simple things such as the cycle of the weather, the sequence of the holidays, or the days when school is open or closed is always known to them. When they wake up in the morning, they usually don't know exactly how their day is going to be like: what they need to wear; who they are going to play with; if they will have to change beds or welcome another baby brother again; or even what food will be on the table for lunch. Will there be any guests for dinner again, like last night? Is today a weekday or a weekend? Is there school today? Will daddy be back from his trip? Is it my birthday yet?

No wonder they love repeating the same books and videos over and over again!! So, next time they ask for that, just smile and say "yes, my sweet pea". And allow them to have their little moment of predictability and sense of control over what is coming next.

Also, if possible, try talking with your little one about every plan in the family - even simple daily things. Let them know what you will have for dinner; tell them about the trip you are planning; talk about the friend who is moving out of town; show them on the calendar how far their birthday is; explain that they will have Halloween again next fall; share how the routine of that day will be like; explain that a new baby is coming (if you're pregnant); and even tell them if they are coming grocery shopping with you that day or not. Don't underestimate your child. Talk to them (use appropriate communication skills according to age). They are capable of understanding and they will appreciate knowing things ahead. And, please, if they ask, just read that same old book again!! :)

Thanks for reading! Please share comments or questions!

Let them be...

Getting out of the house each morning now takes foreeeeverrr!! My daughter Sophia, who is not even 2 years old yet, already wants to do everything by herself (from shoes, to jacket, to combing her hair). As I watch her, I observe her little hands fight against the stubborn jacket that won't obey her moves and sometimes will even turn up-side-down. It's such a cute battle… After many attempts, she finally gets it on. "Yeah!", she screams with a big smile, as she jumps and claps her hands, feeling proud of herself for the big accomplishment. (It's just so adorable! I can't help opening a smile…)

But sometimes... While she is focused on this intriguing put-the-jacket-on task, I am there, looking at the watch and nervously shaking my legs, wishing she would let me help her or, at least, just hurry up for us to leave the house! (Aarrr...) On busy days, I unfortunately wish she wasn't as independent as she is. I have been exercising my patience A LOT!

You probably know exactly what I'm talking about and has already experienced something very similar. It's hard for us not to interfere when we see that a task that is taking our little one 5 minutes to accomplish can actually be done in 5 seconds. For many different reasons and in many different occasions, we are tempted to cut off our child's opportunity for development, just because we can't be patient. Or simply because we want to help! Simple tasks like getting dressed, spelling a word, cleaning up toys, working on a school assignment, or doing the laundry can turn out very frustrating and hard for our children. Our desire is to protect our loved ones from struggling, suffering, and getting frustrated. It's easier to do things for them!

Yes, it is a lot easier on us, now, to do things for them. Watching our little ones battle with a challenge can be hard. It is only natural for us (loving parents and caring teachers) to want to jump, reach out, and help. But let's try to understand what it means for our kiddos to really work on a challenge… Perhaps this will keep us from being so protective and will help us learn to just let them be.

Let's go back to the initial example of Sophia putting on her jacket (or her shoes) by herself. First of all, it takes a lot of determination from a 1-year-old to initiate such challenging task rather than letting "ma-ma" simply do it for her. In addition, she needs to concentrate, work hard, and do some logical thinking in order to figure out where her arms (or feet) go, how to position the jacket (or shoe), which side is the right one, etc. Likewise, she needs to work on her large motor skills (and even fine motor skills). It also requires memory, since she will try to remember how she did it last time or how mommy usually does. Furthermore, it requires her to be persistence, as she needs to keep trying over and over again. We can't forget to mention that it allows her to learn some basic concepts such as "right" and "left", the law of gravity, and even physics such as the effect of "pushing" and "pulling". If she gets frustrated, she also needs to learn how to cope with her feelings and deal with unpleasant emotions. At last, if I try to interfere and help, Sophia exercises being assertive and affirms her will and identity by saying: "no, mama, mine!".

As you can see, during the 5 min in which my daughter is struggling with her coat, she is developing immensely and in many different ways: emotionally, cognitively, physically, psychologically, and socially. By accomplishing the task, Sophia is learning how to be independent, hard-working, and is building up confidence in herself. If she doesn't accomplish her goal, she learns how to deal with frustration, how to cope with sad feelings, how to ask for help, and how it is ok to fail sometimes.

So, here's my advice for today: be patient, step back, and let your children figure it out. Let them struggle sometimes, let them work hard, let them think for solutions on their own, let them be independent. Don't make it too easy. If they are little, be patient and allow them to get dressed by themselves and make choices on their own. It's ok if half the oatmeal gets on their hair or on the floor, but let them eat by themselves... If they are a little older, let them struggle with a harder puzzle, give them bigger words to spell, allow them to work on their school work alone, let them be responsible for packing their school bag. It's ok if they forget a pencil or a book one day, they will remember it next time… If they are teenagers, give them chores around the house, teach them how to do their own laundry, give them responsibilities and allow them to be responsible (or irresponsible) without micromanaging them all the time, give them the opportunity to figure out how to fix what went wrong. It's ok if they don't have anything to wear to school one day because their laundry was not done that week - I'm sure that won't happen more than a couple times.

Just let them be! Believe me, you will thank me later. By letting your little one struggle now, you are helping him/her turn into a strong, independent, responsible, well-balanced, smart, hard-working, and self-confident adult. Their lives (and yours) will be a lot easier in the long run.

Thanks for reading!
And good luck! 

Bia

The habit of being open and honest

About three years ago I had a client walk into my office very anxious and desperate for advice about how to (or even if she should) tell her 5-year-old daughter that her pet turtle had died. The mother had this sad and guilty look in her eyes, along with an authentic desire to protect her daughter from such bad news. She had already bought a new turtle to replace the previous one, but was unsure about what to do. Should she lie and pretend it was the same turtle? Should she tell the truth? What would be the right thing to do?

What would you have done? Have you ever been in any similar situation? What would you do if your kid's pet fish died?

I'm a huge advocate of the truth. I believe that being honest is always the best avenue - even with our little ones. And also in sad and difficult situations such as the death of a pet, the death of a family member, the loss of a toy, etc. Kids deserve to know the truth. It is also a great (not so great sometimes) opportunity for them to learn how to deal with loss, how to grief, how to cope with their feelings, how to overcome challenges, etc. Life is tough… But with love and authenticity, we can teach them how to make the best out of it.

In addition, we want them to believe in us (people they trust the most). And we don't want to teach our kids to lie or be inauthentic either. Being honest with little and big things is a wonderful habit to have in a family environment - and life in general.

The same in a school/college setting. Truthfulness should also be used by teachers, professors, and advisors. In a college setting, just like at home, kids are figuring out who they are, what their skills are, and what they want for themselves. They are constantly testing their limits and facing new challenges. Teachers and advisers who provide detailed, honest, and gentle feedback to their students are believing in their potential for change and growth and helping them develop as individuals. Teaching our kids how to face challenges and work hard to overcome difficulties are way better lessons then spood-feeding them the right answers or just praising them for what they did right. Or course it's important to praise them for their accomplishments constantly! But it is also important to be honest and show them where they can focus their energy in order to be the best student (and future professional) they can be. Just like a 5-year-old is capable of understanding and overcoming the fact that his or her pet died, a 17-year-old is also capable to understand that he or she needs to work harder on a specific subject or task. I believe in qualitative feedback - where professors can be honest, detailed, subjective, and open to their students - and students can understand their strengths, potential, and areas for growth.

When we were first learning how to walk, we fell many many times. A baby that never falls and doesn't learn how to get back up, will never be brave enough to give the first steps alone. The same happens in life - specifically in school and in a professional setting. Parents, teachers, professors, and advisers should all be ready to let their kids fall, face reality, deal with bad news, fail, cry, etc. Our job is not to protect them from life, but to teach them how to get back up and try again!

Good luck! Being a good educator is not an easy task. But we can all do it!! :)