Let them be...

Getting out of the house each morning now takes foreeeeverrr!! My daughter Sophia, who is not even 2 years old yet, already wants to do everything by herself (from shoes, to jacket, to combing her hair). As I watch her, I observe her little hands fight against the stubborn jacket that won't obey her moves and sometimes will even turn up-side-down. It's such a cute battle… After many attempts, she finally gets it on. "Yeah!", she screams with a big smile, as she jumps and claps her hands, feeling proud of herself for the big accomplishment. (It's just so adorable! I can't help opening a smile…)

But sometimes... While she is focused on this intriguing put-the-jacket-on task, I am there, looking at the watch and nervously shaking my legs, wishing she would let me help her or, at least, just hurry up for us to leave the house! (Aarrr...) On busy days, I unfortunately wish she wasn't as independent as she is. I have been exercising my patience A LOT!

You probably know exactly what I'm talking about and has already experienced something very similar. It's hard for us not to interfere when we see that a task that is taking our little one 5 minutes to accomplish can actually be done in 5 seconds. For many different reasons and in many different occasions, we are tempted to cut off our child's opportunity for development, just because we can't be patient. Or simply because we want to help! Simple tasks like getting dressed, spelling a word, cleaning up toys, working on a school assignment, or doing the laundry can turn out very frustrating and hard for our children. Our desire is to protect our loved ones from struggling, suffering, and getting frustrated. It's easier to do things for them!

Yes, it is a lot easier on us, now, to do things for them. Watching our little ones battle with a challenge can be hard. It is only natural for us (loving parents and caring teachers) to want to jump, reach out, and help. But let's try to understand what it means for our kiddos to really work on a challenge… Perhaps this will keep us from being so protective and will help us learn to just let them be.

Let's go back to the initial example of Sophia putting on her jacket (or her shoes) by herself. First of all, it takes a lot of determination from a 1-year-old to initiate such challenging task rather than letting "ma-ma" simply do it for her. In addition, she needs to concentrate, work hard, and do some logical thinking in order to figure out where her arms (or feet) go, how to position the jacket (or shoe), which side is the right one, etc. Likewise, she needs to work on her large motor skills (and even fine motor skills). It also requires memory, since she will try to remember how she did it last time or how mommy usually does. Furthermore, it requires her to be persistence, as she needs to keep trying over and over again. We can't forget to mention that it allows her to learn some basic concepts such as "right" and "left", the law of gravity, and even physics such as the effect of "pushing" and "pulling". If she gets frustrated, she also needs to learn how to cope with her feelings and deal with unpleasant emotions. At last, if I try to interfere and help, Sophia exercises being assertive and affirms her will and identity by saying: "no, mama, mine!".

As you can see, during the 5 min in which my daughter is struggling with her coat, she is developing immensely and in many different ways: emotionally, cognitively, physically, psychologically, and socially. By accomplishing the task, Sophia is learning how to be independent, hard-working, and is building up confidence in herself. If she doesn't accomplish her goal, she learns how to deal with frustration, how to cope with sad feelings, how to ask for help, and how it is ok to fail sometimes.

So, here's my advice for today: be patient, step back, and let your children figure it out. Let them struggle sometimes, let them work hard, let them think for solutions on their own, let them be independent. Don't make it too easy. If they are little, be patient and allow them to get dressed by themselves and make choices on their own. It's ok if half the oatmeal gets on their hair or on the floor, but let them eat by themselves... If they are a little older, let them struggle with a harder puzzle, give them bigger words to spell, allow them to work on their school work alone, let them be responsible for packing their school bag. It's ok if they forget a pencil or a book one day, they will remember it next time… If they are teenagers, give them chores around the house, teach them how to do their own laundry, give them responsibilities and allow them to be responsible (or irresponsible) without micromanaging them all the time, give them the opportunity to figure out how to fix what went wrong. It's ok if they don't have anything to wear to school one day because their laundry was not done that week - I'm sure that won't happen more than a couple times.

Just let them be! Believe me, you will thank me later. By letting your little one struggle now, you are helping him/her turn into a strong, independent, responsible, well-balanced, smart, hard-working, and self-confident adult. Their lives (and yours) will be a lot easier in the long run.

Thanks for reading!
And good luck! 

Bia