Toddler's creed

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and I change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.

If we are building together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks like mine, it's mine.

               

                                                            Author Unknown

Are we there yet?

When talking with our little ones, we need to use correct language and never underestimate their ability to understand us. Like I discussed in my previous posting, it is very beneficial to our little ones’ development for us to communicate daily events, ideas, projects, news, happenings, family plans, etc. Even to our littlest ones!

However, here’s an important tip: without underestimating your kiddos, be aware that they are not in the same cognitive development as we are. So, it’s important to be very clear, to give examples, to choose your words carefully, and sometimes to even use gestures to make communication more effective. I’m not talking about using baby language or avoiding complex words. You can still use new words with them (it will help increase their vocabulary), but try to be clear when communicating – your goal is for them to understand you.

Let me think of an example and a suggestion to give. Let’s say you want to let them know how long it will take to get to grandma’s house (a road trip), or how much TV they still have before dinner, or how much time they have at the playground… If you say grandma’s house is 2 hours away, or they can watch TV for 30 minutes, or they have 10 more minutes at the park, they might not grasp what that really means… The concept of time is too abstract for our little ones to understand. No wonder they keep asking over and over again “are we there, yet?” during a road trip!

In order to be clear and respectful of them, one suggestion I have is to use our hands when communicating length of time. I’ve used it with clients (to communicate the length of the play therapy session), students (length of time for a certain activity), and now I’m starting to use it with my daughter. It works wonderfully!

This is how it goes: you stretch out your arms really far from each other (horizontally) and say: “This is how long this trip will take (or this is how much time we will spend at the park). It takes 2 hours to get to grandma’s house (or we will be at the park for 40 min)”. And then you can show it in your watch as well.

Explain to them that as the time passes, the hands get closer and closer together (and that the little legs in the watch also moves forward). Tell them that once the hands are half way near each other (show your hands getting closer), they only have 1 hour left of driving (or about 20 more minutes left at the park). Continue by showing your hands get very close to each other and explain that it means they have 30 (or 10) more minutes left. Then, hands will be barely touching each other (that usually excite them) and this means they are almost there (or park time is almost over). Hands touch (clap!) – we are at grandma’s house (or time to go home)!!

Once you have explained it to them, stretch your arms back apart and say that time has started. As time passes, they will either ask you how far they are, or you can go ahead and show them your hands to let them know how much time has passed and how much time is left. Specially when you are ending a fun activity, it is very important to show when they are 10 (and then again 5) minutes away to the end. It helps them prepare for the finale and they will be less frustrated with the interruption of the TV, park, or game. It is also very helpful on road trips, as it lowers their anxiety of wanting to get there right away. They will gradually understand that they need to wait for the hands to touch each other. With a little bit of understanding of the time concept, our kiddos will feel less "lost" in this world of so many changes and unpredictability, consequently they will feel more in control of what is going to happen in the next minutes and can accept better the changes, the routine, the lack of routine, and the need to be patience and wait.

This is only one suggestion of how to communicate effectively with your little ones. There are many  others! If you have any specific request related on how to communicate with them in other ways, please, post your question here and I will be happy to share more ideas. It is our mission, as parents and educators, to learn how to communicate with our kiddos appropriately and meet them in the developmental stage where they are - while they are not there yet! :)

Have a wonderful week!!

Same book again??

Before I became a psychologist and before I came to understand the nuances and particularities of the development of the child, I used to babysit a 3-year-old little girl who would always ask me to read the same book over and over again. "Same book again??", I would ask her with a stretched intonation hopping she would change her mind. She never did. So I read the same book again. I didn't understand… She had a huge pile of interesting, fun, and colorful books. Why would she only want me to read that some old one everyday? She already new the story by heart - she could probably "read" it to herself with her eyes closed!

I wonder if you have already dealt (or is dealing) with something similar with your little one. I'm starting to notice it with my daughter now, who only wants to watch the "Elmo" video, read the "Mama Red Pajama" book, and sing the "Bumble Bee" song. It's so funny! And so typical at this age! Young children tend to like the same stories, the same food, the same videos, the same clothes, the same toys...

Fortunately, now I understand why and would love to share a little bit about it with you here today. Understanding the reason behind our kiddos' behaviors sometimes helps us be more patient - especially when listening to the same song over and over again during a long car trip…

And the reason is very simple: kids like the same stories (or songs, or routines) because they like what is predictable - it releases the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen. While you are reading them a familiar story, they feel safe and with a sense of control of the situation, since they know what is coming next. It's a short moment where they don't need to worry about being surprised by the unknown.

We are not aware of how unpredictable the world is for our little munchkins. Even having routine and consistency in their daily schedule, they are still surprised by new things all the time, such as the visit (or departure) of a family member or friend; a trip to a new place; the arrival of the holidays; the loss of a toy or a pet; having new food on the table; the change of schedule; the arrival of a newborn sibling; moving to a new house or even to a new bed; or saying "bye-bye" to the pacifier. You know, our little ones don't have a calendar and don't understand long-term schedules. Not even simple things such as the cycle of the weather, the sequence of the holidays, or the days when school is open or closed is always known to them. When they wake up in the morning, they usually don't know exactly how their day is going to be like: what they need to wear; who they are going to play with; if they will have to change beds or welcome another baby brother again; or even what food will be on the table for lunch. Will there be any guests for dinner again, like last night? Is today a weekday or a weekend? Is there school today? Will daddy be back from his trip? Is it my birthday yet?

No wonder they love repeating the same books and videos over and over again!! So, next time they ask for that, just smile and say "yes, my sweet pea". And allow them to have their little moment of predictability and sense of control over what is coming next.

Also, if possible, try talking with your little one about every plan in the family - even simple daily things. Let them know what you will have for dinner; tell them about the trip you are planning; talk about the friend who is moving out of town; show them on the calendar how far their birthday is; explain that they will have Halloween again next fall; share how the routine of that day will be like; explain that a new baby is coming (if you're pregnant); and even tell them if they are coming grocery shopping with you that day or not. Don't underestimate your child. Talk to them (use appropriate communication skills according to age). They are capable of understanding and they will appreciate knowing things ahead. And, please, if they ask, just read that same old book again!! :)

Thanks for reading! Please share comments or questions!

Let them be...

Getting out of the house each morning now takes foreeeeverrr!! My daughter Sophia, who is not even 2 years old yet, already wants to do everything by herself (from shoes, to jacket, to combing her hair). As I watch her, I observe her little hands fight against the stubborn jacket that won't obey her moves and sometimes will even turn up-side-down. It's such a cute battle… After many attempts, she finally gets it on. "Yeah!", she screams with a big smile, as she jumps and claps her hands, feeling proud of herself for the big accomplishment. (It's just so adorable! I can't help opening a smile…)

But sometimes... While she is focused on this intriguing put-the-jacket-on task, I am there, looking at the watch and nervously shaking my legs, wishing she would let me help her or, at least, just hurry up for us to leave the house! (Aarrr...) On busy days, I unfortunately wish she wasn't as independent as she is. I have been exercising my patience A LOT!

You probably know exactly what I'm talking about and has already experienced something very similar. It's hard for us not to interfere when we see that a task that is taking our little one 5 minutes to accomplish can actually be done in 5 seconds. For many different reasons and in many different occasions, we are tempted to cut off our child's opportunity for development, just because we can't be patient. Or simply because we want to help! Simple tasks like getting dressed, spelling a word, cleaning up toys, working on a school assignment, or doing the laundry can turn out very frustrating and hard for our children. Our desire is to protect our loved ones from struggling, suffering, and getting frustrated. It's easier to do things for them!

Yes, it is a lot easier on us, now, to do things for them. Watching our little ones battle with a challenge can be hard. It is only natural for us (loving parents and caring teachers) to want to jump, reach out, and help. But let's try to understand what it means for our kiddos to really work on a challenge… Perhaps this will keep us from being so protective and will help us learn to just let them be.

Let's go back to the initial example of Sophia putting on her jacket (or her shoes) by herself. First of all, it takes a lot of determination from a 1-year-old to initiate such challenging task rather than letting "ma-ma" simply do it for her. In addition, she needs to concentrate, work hard, and do some logical thinking in order to figure out where her arms (or feet) go, how to position the jacket (or shoe), which side is the right one, etc. Likewise, she needs to work on her large motor skills (and even fine motor skills). It also requires memory, since she will try to remember how she did it last time or how mommy usually does. Furthermore, it requires her to be persistence, as she needs to keep trying over and over again. We can't forget to mention that it allows her to learn some basic concepts such as "right" and "left", the law of gravity, and even physics such as the effect of "pushing" and "pulling". If she gets frustrated, she also needs to learn how to cope with her feelings and deal with unpleasant emotions. At last, if I try to interfere and help, Sophia exercises being assertive and affirms her will and identity by saying: "no, mama, mine!".

As you can see, during the 5 min in which my daughter is struggling with her coat, she is developing immensely and in many different ways: emotionally, cognitively, physically, psychologically, and socially. By accomplishing the task, Sophia is learning how to be independent, hard-working, and is building up confidence in herself. If she doesn't accomplish her goal, she learns how to deal with frustration, how to cope with sad feelings, how to ask for help, and how it is ok to fail sometimes.

So, here's my advice for today: be patient, step back, and let your children figure it out. Let them struggle sometimes, let them work hard, let them think for solutions on their own, let them be independent. Don't make it too easy. If they are little, be patient and allow them to get dressed by themselves and make choices on their own. It's ok if half the oatmeal gets on their hair or on the floor, but let them eat by themselves... If they are a little older, let them struggle with a harder puzzle, give them bigger words to spell, allow them to work on their school work alone, let them be responsible for packing their school bag. It's ok if they forget a pencil or a book one day, they will remember it next time… If they are teenagers, give them chores around the house, teach them how to do their own laundry, give them responsibilities and allow them to be responsible (or irresponsible) without micromanaging them all the time, give them the opportunity to figure out how to fix what went wrong. It's ok if they don't have anything to wear to school one day because their laundry was not done that week - I'm sure that won't happen more than a couple times.

Just let them be! Believe me, you will thank me later. By letting your little one struggle now, you are helping him/her turn into a strong, independent, responsible, well-balanced, smart, hard-working, and self-confident adult. Their lives (and yours) will be a lot easier in the long run.

Thanks for reading!
And good luck! 

Bia

The habit of being open and honest

About three years ago I had a client walk into my office very anxious and desperate for advice about how to (or even if she should) tell her 5-year-old daughter that her pet turtle had died. The mother had this sad and guilty look in her eyes, along with an authentic desire to protect her daughter from such bad news. She had already bought a new turtle to replace the previous one, but was unsure about what to do. Should she lie and pretend it was the same turtle? Should she tell the truth? What would be the right thing to do?

What would you have done? Have you ever been in any similar situation? What would you do if your kid's pet fish died?

I'm a huge advocate of the truth. I believe that being honest is always the best avenue - even with our little ones. And also in sad and difficult situations such as the death of a pet, the death of a family member, the loss of a toy, etc. Kids deserve to know the truth. It is also a great (not so great sometimes) opportunity for them to learn how to deal with loss, how to grief, how to cope with their feelings, how to overcome challenges, etc. Life is tough… But with love and authenticity, we can teach them how to make the best out of it.

In addition, we want them to believe in us (people they trust the most). And we don't want to teach our kids to lie or be inauthentic either. Being honest with little and big things is a wonderful habit to have in a family environment - and life in general.

The same in a school/college setting. Truthfulness should also be used by teachers, professors, and advisors. In a college setting, just like at home, kids are figuring out who they are, what their skills are, and what they want for themselves. They are constantly testing their limits and facing new challenges. Teachers and advisers who provide detailed, honest, and gentle feedback to their students are believing in their potential for change and growth and helping them develop as individuals. Teaching our kids how to face challenges and work hard to overcome difficulties are way better lessons then spood-feeding them the right answers or just praising them for what they did right. Or course it's important to praise them for their accomplishments constantly! But it is also important to be honest and show them where they can focus their energy in order to be the best student (and future professional) they can be. Just like a 5-year-old is capable of understanding and overcoming the fact that his or her pet died, a 17-year-old is also capable to understand that he or she needs to work harder on a specific subject or task. I believe in qualitative feedback - where professors can be honest, detailed, subjective, and open to their students - and students can understand their strengths, potential, and areas for growth.

When we were first learning how to walk, we fell many many times. A baby that never falls and doesn't learn how to get back up, will never be brave enough to give the first steps alone. The same happens in life - specifically in school and in a professional setting. Parents, teachers, professors, and advisers should all be ready to let their kids fall, face reality, deal with bad news, fail, cry, etc. Our job is not to protect them from life, but to teach them how to get back up and try again!

Good luck! Being a good educator is not an easy task. But we can all do it!! :)

Is multitasking as efficient as we think?

Study, talk on the phone, work, text, listen to music, take a bite on your food, chat with a friend, check Facebook, work more, sip some water, look up for recipes online, read blogs, back to studying, google, text again, answer the phone, take another bite, more googling, answer an e-mail, check on a crying baby, phone rings…

 \o_ Raise your hand if you have never multitasked before. (I don't see any hands…) Everybody multitasks! Multitasking is the act of doing two or more tasks at the same time by one person. In the society we live today, it is almost impossible not to be required to do more than one thing at the same time. We talk as we drive, we text as we shop, we google as we write papers, we check e-mails as we watch lectures, we watch TV as we eat, we chat with friends as we play with our kids... We are constantly doing other things while switching back and forth to check our calendars, text a friend, reply an e-mailing, update our to-do-list, talk on the phone, etc. Some people even multitask brushing their teeth! When Sophia was a baby, we used to multitask a lot!

Is it, however, as productive as we think it is? Are we gaining time and accomplishing our goals efficiently when we multitask?

Studies show that it is actually not as productive and effective as we think it is. When multitasking, we are constantly switching our focus from one activity to another. Our brains can not really do two things simultaneously. As we switch from one thing to another, the attention we give to each activity is consequently more superficial than it would be if we were focused on only one thing for a longer period of time.

Let's do a simple activity to illustrate how less productive we become when we multitask. Take a piece of paper and draw a line. Like this:

_______________________________________________________________________

On the upper part, I want you to write the following sentence: "Is multitasking as efficient as we think?". Hey, not yet! Read the rest of the instructions first. On the bottom part, you will write down numbers by 2's. For instance: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, etc…
However, you will do both at the same time. Actually, switching back and forth. For each letter you write on the upper part, you add a number on the bottom part, then you write one more letter on the upper, and one more number on the bottom. Like this:

I   S      M  U   L   T   I  …                                                                                                                    
2  4      6   8  10  12  14...

Do it as fast as you can. Time yourself. How long did it take? Write down the seconds/minutes it took. Then, do it again by focusing on only one thing at a time (first the sentence and then only the numbers).

You will notice the difference. Check your work and compare the numbers. Was there any difference? By doing it separately, you will probably finish it a lot faster. When you multitask, you might get letters mixed up, you might skip a number, it will be more stressful, your handwriting is not as beautiful, and you will definitely take longer.

Here's a fun game (shared by a classmate from Virginia Tech last week) that illustrates how our performance is affected when we multitask. Have fun! Share your scores!
 Click here to play!!

Dr. Nass, from Stanford University in California, decided to do some experimental research with some students (link to watch video) and found that the same students were not as productive when they were multitasking in comparison to when they were asked to do the same tasks separately. Interestingly, they all believed that they were equally effective!
The researcher found that, when multitasking, students:
- were slower
- got distracted constantly
- had a very disorganized memory
- showed poor analytical reasoning
- committed more mistakes
- presented increased stress level


Overall, the habit of multitasking creates people unable to think well and clearly. Multitasking makes people think less about the big picture and focus only on snaps and bits. It produces superficial thoughts. Also, it takes more time, more energy, and can be more stressful. In the end, the product of the work is not as depth and of a high quality as it could be; and the ability to organize the memory or the content learned is not as efficient either.

Since we live in the world of multitasking and we can't really change our reality, let's learn how we can better deal with it. Here are some tips.

Adults (that's you!) - Be aware of how often and in what way you multitask. Have self-control. Try not multitasking and compare the results. Focus on one thing at a time. Make wise choices. When studying or working on something important, turn off your cellphone or step away from the computer. If necessary, pick a place and a moment of your day where you are unlikely to be disturbed. Plan your day wisely. Have a routine. Make to-do-lists. Don't try to do two or more things at the same time. It is not effective. Train yourself to concentrate and make more complex analytical thinking. Even simple tasks as writing the grocery list can contain mistakes if we do it as we chat on the phone or watch a movie. Don't use cell phones while driving.

Teenagers (your students or your kids) - This is challenging! Teenagers WILL multitask! We can't help it. They were born immersed in a technological world with constant stimulation. My advice is to meet them where they are. Don't fight against them, but offer them new ideas of productive things to do with the tools they enjoy. For instance, instead of having them play computer games all day, ask them to Google something for you (pick a topic); suggest them to create a Blog about sports or other things that interest them; motivate them to find interesting videos on uTube about … (pick a topic) or watch documentaries on Netflix. Have them take responsibility for their choice. Make them pay part of their phone bill and teach them to control the time spent on the phone. Give them tasks that will keep them away from the computer or the phone for a while. Take them hiking or camping. Invite friends over. Educate them about the risks of texting and driving. (By the way, texting while driving can increase up to 23 times the chance of having a car accident.)
If you are a teacher, check out this uTube video about Flipped Classroom. If possible, use it with your students. By flipping  the classroom, you are having them watch the lectures at home from their iPhones, computers, or iPads. Then, you can use the time in the classroom to engage them in their homework, activities, discussions, experiments, projects, etc. This way, you are making their time at home and at school more productive. There are many other ideas out there. Google and be creative!

Children (your little ones) - While you still can, teach them to focus on one thing at a time. Don't allow them to watch TV as they eat, for instance. Actually, if they are under 15 months, they should not be watching TV at all. Don't give them too many toys to play with. Don't overwhelm your child. If it's reading time, let's read (holding one toy is enough). Read one book and a time and put them away before moving on to the next book. If it's mealtime, let's eat - no TV and no toys at the table. There's no need to provoke distraction. There's no need for our children to be multitasking yet. Avoid stress. Teach them to be organized. Do structured play. Select one set of toys at a time. Clean-up after playing. Don't overwhelm your child's bed with too many stuffed animals or their room with too much stuff. They don't need too much stimulation. Take them outside (avoid bringing too many toys along) and focus on the nature, on running, on climbing, on picking up rocks, on singing songs... Focus on the simple things in life.

Hope you learned something from this posting today!
Good luck on finding your balance between multitasking and mono-tasking.

Now, I'll turn off my computer and focus on my readings.

Talk to you soon,
Beatriz Lima

Intrinsically motivating our students

I just recently posted a blog about how we, as parents, can promote a better relationship of our kids with their homework, assignments, and other tasks. Now, speaking from a teacher's perspective, I would like to share some thoughts about how we, instructors and educators, can help students become intrinsically motivated and deeply engaged in the learning process. We want to help students stay constantly thirsty for knowledge, become critical thinkers, and be creative individuals.

In an ideal world, the first thing I would do, as a classroom instructor, would be to eliminate the grading system. (I know... That will never happen! But I can still dream, right?) I believe that grades (like punishment) can ruin the whole purpose behind the assignment. Students tend to unconsciously (and even consciously!) deal with the assignment as a way of achieving a certain grade and meeting the teacher's expectations, rather then actually learning and growing from the activity itself.  The students' analytical thinking becomes narrowed down into following the rules of the assignment and rigidly sticking into the expectation (and perspective) of the teacher - rather then allowing creativity and critical thinking to take place. Alfie Kohn shares some interesting points about how "grades tend to diminish students' interest" in learning; how it can "create a preference for the easiest possible task"; and even "reduce the quality of students' thinking".

Grades, punishment, and rewards can be great incentives in a few cases. But not all. Overall, I believe that they take away the intrinsic motivation of wanting to learn and grow (as a person, as a student, as a professional...), and replace it with the extrinsic motivation of having to meet the requirements and get good grades (or avoid punishment). By limiting our students to focus on grades (small rewards/punishments) we are asking them to stay inside the box and forget about the big picture - rather then motivating them to look around and explore possibilities. Also, we are labeling our students into an assigned letter (or number) that qualifies who they are and how they performed - rather then showing them that they are unique individuals with unlimited and awesome ideas (but also space for growth). In addition, grades can provoke unnecessary anxiety, low self-esteem, and block their creativity.

I can't change the system. But as a future professor (and as a parent), I choose to help my students (and my children) to look beyond the grades (before and after the assignment). First of all, I want them to understand the purpose of studying, learning, and working hard on their homework. I want them to understand that grades are secondary - they are numbers used as part of a measuring system, assessment required from our society - they are not really the ultimate goal of going to school. The main goal of studying is to learn, think, and grow. Secondly, when receiving the grade, I want them to be able to look beyond that feedback. Numbers and letters can never define who they are, what they are capable of doing, and how well they can perform. Yes, grades can help indicate areas where they can improve, but they are not determinant of their potential. Sometimes, grades are even unfair. We need to teach students to be self-criticals and evaluators of themselves in a balanced and healthy way. If possible, as a teacher, we need to sit down and take sometime to provide qualitative feedback to each student, allowing them to acknowledge their strengths and recognize the areas they need to work on more.

I challenge all the teachers, professors, instructors, and educators to think outside the grades. When assigning an activity or preparing an exam, try to provide a space for your students to show their knowledge, to be creative, to make critical analysis, to raise questions, to share their thoughts, to disagree, to think of solutions, to provide a different perspective on the subject… When evaluating the assignment, provide useful feedback that can help them grow. We need to help students become future professionals that can think outside the box and bring solutions for a better world. Let's start by modeling it ourselves!

You, as a parent, can also do the same!

See this link about motivating students: strategies, ideas, and recommendations.


Thank you,
Beatriz Lima

Homework is not a punishment

Sometimes, when parents are mad or frustrated about something their child did, it's easy for them to punish their child by saying: "I'm not happy with that. That was wrong! (etc…) Go to your room and do your homework!" Or when siblings are fighting, parents may interrupt the playtime and say: "Ok, enough fighting! Go clean your room now!" or "Go calm down and do your homework!". I've seen teenagers share that they've been grounded for doing something wrong - and their punishment was to stay home and do their homework(!).

Parents don't realize this, but without being aware of it, they are associating homework or house chores with punishment, bad behaviors, and unpleasant feelings. Homework is not a punishment! Homework is not something bad. Doing homework, cleaning the room, and helping with the dishes are normal routine activities that are part of our children's life. Children don't do homework (or house chores) because they did something wrong or because they misbehaved; they do it because they have to (no matter what). It's their responsibility. These are important activities with great benefits. It's actually a privilege to go to school, learn, and do homework. Being part of a family and helping out at home are also wonderful privileges. They may be boring and tiring activities sometimes, but they have a special purpose and they can be fun. We need to teach our children to feel good and happy about helping at home and being responsible students; rather then associating responsibility and tasks with punishment or unpleasant feelings.

I don't think that any parent would ever want to intentionally associate homework with punishment. We may do it without noticing. So, here's a tip of advice to help us become more aware of our words and tone of voice when we try to educate our children. If we need to punish them for a bad behavior, we can ask them to go to their room and stay quiet for a few minutes (time out); or we can give them an extra task in the house (not the ones that are already part of their responsibility); or take out a privilege (no TV for a week, for instance), etc. This way, we can preserve homework time for normal and peaceful part of their routine. We want them to actually enjoy doing homework or at least have a peaceful relationship with their homework and duties.

With Sophia, my 20-month-old daughter, I also try to be very aware of this. I don't want to punish her from being a healthy toddler and doing a mess. I don't want to associate "clean-up time" with "mad mommy" or "bad Sophia". But I do want to teach her to be responsible, obedient, and follow the house rules. So, when I notice the playroom is way too messy (even if I'm tired and frustrated with the mess), I just say it in a peaceful and playful way: "What a mess! Now, let's play the clean-up game! Let's put the toys away. We need to keep our house clean and beautiful." And she does it with a nice big smile. Cleaning up became a game for Sophia, a normal part of her routine - and she loves doing it!
I just hope my daughter will grow into having the same attitude towards homework one day! If I need to punish her, I'll make sure the word 'homework' is not mentioned!

Ok, now I need to go and focus on my own homework! :) It was nice sharing this posting with you all! See you later!!

Beatriz

P.S.: If possible, please share some tips and advice of how to "punish" a child from about 2 to 4 years old. I haven't figured out what method I'll be using yet. Thanks!

Setting boundaries

Last weekend, on a beautiful Saturday morning, Sophia asked to watch Elmo on my iPad. It wasn't the time for that. We were finishing getting ready to head out the door and play outside. I had to say "no". Sophia heard the two-letter word as if I had said the most horrible thing ever. She immediately bended her head down (as if receiving a very very sad news) and then expressed the most frustrated face, followed by a winning scream of "Aaaaaawww!!!! Nhanahan... Elmo!!!!". If she could talk, she would have said: "I want Elmo!!".

Sophia is only 20 months old and she was not pretending to be disappointed. She was, in fact, very sad and frustrated with the news she got. I had said "no" to one of the things she loves the most. Real tears were coming down on her beautiful face and she was begging me for Elmo's video on the iPad. Not only is sad to see her frustrated, but it is also painful to my ears to hear her screams and shouts. Above all, it was heart broken to see my baby so frustrated...

For the first few seconds, the thought of saying "yes" immediately crossed my mind. With a simple Elmo video, I could make Sophia happy and all the screaming and crying would stop immediately. My precious baby would be peaceful and smiley again. I love her and I want her to be always happy. Because I love her so much, I should never have to allow her to feel frustrated or sad, right? … Wrong!!

In fact, those 2 minutes of sadness and frustration of not seeing Elmo were extremely important for Sophia's emotional development and maturational growth. She learned that the world does not revolve around her, she learned that things will not always be the way she wants them to be, she learned that there are different moments for different things, she learned about schedule, she learned that people can disagree from her and that's ok, she learned that people she loves may say "no" to her, she learned that she needs to cope with sad feelings, she learned that she can switch her goals to other things when her initial plan doesn't work out, she learned that life is not perfect, she learned that she does not need "Elmo" (or whatever) to be entertained (there are other options), she learned how to overcome frustration, etc, etc, etc.

Of course, Sophia is only 20 months old. She's not cognitively or emotionally mature enough to be aware of any of that or even understand what was going on. She was sad and frustrated. She wanted Elmo and she did not understand why she couldn't watch the video. She needed her mommy to help her cope with her feelings. She needed some love. What she did not need, was me to undo what I had said. In life, we don't have magic wands to magically fix things or make things undo. Sophia needed help coping with the frustration and moving on. So I hugged her and said: "I know, Sophia. You want Elmo. But now is not time for Elmo. It's beautiful outside and we are going to play outside. It will be fun! We can watch Elmo before bedtime at night." She kept crying... She's not in the same cognitive level as I am, so I can't expect her to understand everything. But also, we shouldn't under-estimate our children. We should talk to them and explain things clearly. I then continued by distracting her with something else. "Let's pick out a jacket for you to wear. Look! What a beautiful jacket you have! Will you go down the slide at the park today? Do you want to bring your bunny with you?" Soon, Sophia was smiling and was very excited about going to the park. She completely forgot about Elmo.

Children are children. They don't need much. Frustration comes and causes great impact on them (very normal), but soon they move on. With patience, we can distract them with something else and they will forget about the "Elmo" or toy they wanted two minutes ago. But we need to be patient and calm - yet firm. Don't change the rules just because they cried. Don't give up. Don't let them be the boss. Don't allow them to manipulate you. Don't protect them from important life lessons. Don't keep them from having the opportunity of learning how to cope with frustration, sadness, or other feelings. In order to help them grow into a healthy, happy, stable, well-centered, and mature personality, children need boundaries.

Next time Sophia hears a "no", she may still cry; but with time, she will slowly learn that receiving "no" is not the end of the world. Other times, Sophia may have a worse reaction and I may need to gently and firmly send her to "time-out". That's ok. When it happens, I confess that it may initially break my heart, but I will know I'm doing the right thing. By setting boundaries and being firm, we are teaching our little ones a precious lesson in life. Rules are made to be obeyed. Every action comes with a consequence. After the frustration of time out, life moves on and they will be happy again. And, hopefully, a little more mature.

At last, I must end this posting saying that children feel love through the boundaries they receive. Because the world is so big, unknown, and unpredictable to them (they are so small and fragile); when they know that someone is in charge and making decisions for them, they unconsciously feel safe, protected, and loved. The source of children anxiety many times is related to the lack of routine, boundaries, and rules. Play with your child, laugh with them, be flexible sometimes, be silly on a Sunday morning, tickle them, but also be gently firm with the rules and routine of the house. Don't be afraid to say "no", don't be afraid to frustrate them. Show them you are in charge of them - that you are protecting them and taking care of them. Show them you love them.

Have a wonderful week!!!

Post your comments or questions about setting boundaries, saying "no", following rules, using "time-out", etc.

Beatriz

Don't say No!

As a mother of a 20-month-old toddler, I'm now surrounded by many other mothers of little ones. Every time we meet, it's impossible not to talk about our mothering roles, ideas, theories, questions, and solutions. A few weeks ago, I heard the following comment from one of these moms and many thoughts and reflections arouse from it. This mom, who has a 9-month-old baby, said: "we are not going to teach our daughter the word 'no'". She then continued, "It's just so annoying when they start saying 'no' for everything, and will even say 'no' to the food we offer them".

My daughter, Sophia, is exactly on the 'no' phase! She will say no to the outfit I pick, to the food I offer, to the kiss I give on her cheek, to the toy I offer, to any question I ask, it's just too funny (and annoying, sometimes). When I heard this mom's comment, for a few seconds, I pictured this perfect world where Sophia would never say 'no' and agree to everything I did… How easy would my life be... But then, I woke up from this brief 2-second-dream and realized how important it is for our kids' development to be able to say 'no'.

When a toddler says 'no', first of all they are affirming themselves and building their identity as an individual. They are also learning that they can have a saying in the world, that they have an opinion, and that they can make a difference. They are learning that their actions are independent from ours (they are cutting the umbilical cord) and that, depending on what they say, we will react one way or another. They are learning that they can interfere in the way things are and provoke reactions. It is a wonderful thing and a very important step in their development. Otherwise, they will remain being babies that do what we want them to do. Saying 'no' is one of the steps towards becoming a responsible citizen later on.

Remember, when a toddler says 'no', they are also learning to make decisions, to express themselves, and to be assertive. It's such a great skill for life! Do you want your kid to grow as an adult incapable for speaking for themselves and, therefore, agreeing to everything friends and strangers tell them to do?

For this reason, it is very important for us to respect their saying and respect their 'no'. They need to learn that 'no' can have a positive or negative impact. We should be authentic with our reactions, showing a slight frustration (if we feel that way), for instance, so that they can learn that saying 'no' influences our behaviors and/or feelings. If possible, we should change our behaviors and accept the 'no' so that they can understand the real meaning of the word 'no'. They should learn that 'no' is different from 'yes'. With time, they will learn to choose the word that fits their needs. At first, they only say 'no'!

Of course, because of their level of maturity (toddlers are still very young to know concept of things and to differ right from wrong), when they say 'no' it doesn't mean that we should always do what our toddler wishes. We must be wise to respect them and accept their opinion, but we should be the adult who knows what is best for them and has the final saying. For example, the toddlers says 'no' to the healthy food you offered and points asking for the cake. You respect his opinion by saying: "You don't want to eat this now, you want to eat the cake. You prefer the cake. I know.". But then you say: "In this house there's a rule, we must first eat our dinner and then we can have dessert, even if we prefer the dessert. Let's make a deal, I'll cut your piece of cake and keep it here near the sink until you finish your food. Once you are done with your meal, you can have the cake." (It's not as simple as it seems here, but let's leave it this way. We can talk about meal time in a future posting.)

Another way to respect the child's opinion is to give options. For instance, you can take out a few different outfits and let them pick. They will enjoy saying 'no' and being the one who makes the decision. In situations where you can respect your toddlers opinion, please, do so. If they say 'no' to a toy, for instance, don't insist. Respect them. Be wise and make your judgment. Sometimes it's worth listening to your toddler, sometimes it's not. But just remember, be proud of your toddler, the fact that they are saying 'no' (even if they are annoying us) is a great step in their developmental process.

Now, every time my 20-month-old Sophia says 'no', deep in side, I smile and think: how nice it is that she's affirming her own identity; how great it is to see that she knows she has a saying in this world and she can speak up for herself; how good it is to see her growing to be independent;  how wonderful it is to see that she feels secure and fearless to express herself and go after the things she wants. She will be a strong independent person. :)

Thanks for reading!

Next posting, I will talk about the importance of us (parents, educators, and caregivers) saying 'NO' to our little ones! Until then, please, post comments, opinions, suggestions, and questions. Share your thoughts!

See you later,
Beatriz

(read, share and ask)

Hi!
My name is Beatriz Lima and this is my blog. Here, you will be able to read my stories, thoughts, opinions, etc. I plan on sharing things about my life as a mother, a woman, a friend, a traveler, a counselor, a play therapist, a daughter, a sister, and many other identities that make who I am. Please, feel free to share your personal opinion, thoughts, and comments. Also, feel free to ask questions and start new topics. I'm hoping to make this blog a space where we can exchange ideas and talk about life in general! Please, read, share, and ask!!
Beatriz